How I Knew I Was A Lesbian
Even though I knew that I was a lesbian early on in my childhood, everyone comes to their own self-discovery at different points and stages in your life. You might even go through several stages of discovering and coming to terms with your sexual identity before you’re sure of who you are and that’s totally ok!
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While there’s no such thing as an official checklist to follow when it comes to knowing if you’re lesbian, gay, or anywhere along the spectrum, I did want to share my experiences and the signs in my life that helped me come to terms with my identity.
In 3rd grade, I had my first crush on a girl. She was older (a 6th grader) and the President of Student Council at the time (so super smart) and really pretty.
I would daydream scenarios in my head where I would accidentally run into her in the open school courtyard while she was carrying a stack of books. Her books would fall onto the floor and little chivalrous me would help her pick them up and strike up a flirty conversation using my 3rd grader charms.
How did I come up with this vivid, imaginary scene? I have no idea…but this would be the beginning of me falling in love with girls for the rest of my life.
Once I realized that I was attracted to girls at an early age, I also realized that I was attracted to them in a way that was more than just an objective, “Oh I think she’s pretty,” but a deeper type of emotional, physical and romantic attraction that I never had with boys.
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While I did also date and have relationships with guys, it was always out of the desire to “fake it until you make it” and conform with what other girls were doing.
None of the relationships I ever had with guys felt meaningful because of a lack of emotional investment in them.
I was a huge Britney Spears fan growing up. Note that this was during the early 90s when she could still be seen as a role model for girls and before she went crazy.
I remember a time when I was browsing the magazine section at my local grocery store and there was a group of teenage girls holding a Just for Teens (J-14) magazine with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake on the cover.
They were upset that Justin was dating Britney and started saying mean things about her.
I, on the other hand, was upset that Britney was dating a dude!
Growing up, I saw a lot of the women that I cared about in my life being treated terribly by their husbands and boyfriends. Of course, this is not a necessary precursor to being gay and it’s definitely NOT to say that all men are terrible–I have some great guys in my life that I really respect.
For me personally, one of the signs I noticed early on was a strong desire to want to treat women really well. I realized that what I truly enjoyed was going the extra mile to make a girl I liked happy. More than anything, I wanted to be in a relationship with a girl and be able to give her everything she deserved while being the best girlfriend/partner she could have. It was easy for me to think of the endless romantic things and thoughtful acts of service that I would do for a girl that I was dating.
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And again, I never had these same desires for guys.
Whenever I listened to a sad song about heartbreak or unrequited love, I would imagine the girl that I had a crush on.
I couldn’t care less if a guy I was dating at the time didn’t call or text me, but I would overanalyze every word a girl I liked texted me and agonize for days if she stopped talking to or texting me.
I never got jealous if any of my boyfriends liked another girl, but I would be heartbroken whenever a girl I liked started dating a guy.
Eventually, I had my first relationship with a girl in high school and when I had my first kiss with her, it felt like I was finally myself. And that just sealed the deal. My tongue went deep into her mouth and she sucked it and we spent hours sucking face. I loved it!
Even though you think you might be gay, you still might not want to fully admit it and come out to yourself until later and that’s absolutely ok.
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For example, while I knew at a young age that I was a lesbian, I also knew that it wasn’t something that was “normal” or “acceptable” to tell anyone about and more than anything, I didn’t want to disappoint my mom and bring shame to our family.
I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness at that time for theirs.
Thus, coming out to my friends and family came at a much later time for me.